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There are a lot of discussions and disagreements on the best way to bring more men into the movement to end men’s violence against women, children and other men. While I believe that it will take a number of different approaches and strategies to accomplish this, there is one approach that I’ve seen now in a few articles and heard in several conversations that troubles me.

Some people have suggested that we can bring men into the movement as bystanders who can intervene in violence by playing into the traditionally masculine roles of savior and protector. I believe that this approach can be dangerous and runs counter to our long-term goals to end violence.

To be fair, most strong proponents of this approach acknowledge that once men are engaged, they must be challenged to begin understanding the power and privilege, and therefore oppression, injustice and violence, that traditional masculinity is built upon. However, suggesting that we can bring men into the movement by appealing to their traditionally defined sense of masculinity is unfair and dangerous for all women, and particularly for our female colleagues within the movement.

Men brought into the work with this approach are likely to hold beliefs about male superiority and entitlement that often lead to negative interactions with women they work with. These interactions might range from men assuming and demanding leadership roles to continuing to demean and minimize the contributions and leadership of women and even to committing various forms of violence – be it emotional, physical or sexual.

Additionally, if we truly believe, as I do, that a vast majority, if not all the violence in our society is preventable, and that replacing some of our current norms with those based on equity is the only way to achieve this goal, then inviting people who are encouraged to hold onto and embrace the very attitudes and beliefs we hope to replace seems self-defeating.

In the long-term, if people don’t challenge sexism, male superiority and male entitlement, we will continue to have the same level of violent acts. A man who is brought in to intervene in acts of violence without ever being asked to recognize, understand and interrupt sexism and male privilege is not likely to intervene when norms supportive of sexual violence are expressed or acted upon. They may act to interrupt an attempted rape (which is important), but they are unlikely to intervene when they hear a sexist joke or when there is gender discrimination going on at work.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on engaging men in the movement and how we can accomplish that goal without jeopardizing our long-term success.

Please take a moment to listen to this commentary from sports analyst and commentator, Frank Deford. About one minute and 35 seconds in, he ponders if the American male being ”rendered extraneous” is the cause of golf’s downward spiral. He asks, “How can sensitive modern dads disappear for hours on the links when they have to change diapers, carpool to ballet class and spend their down time getting in touch with their feminine side?”  My first thought? Wow, I didn’t realize I’m being rendered obsolete. Whatever will I do?

And then I recalled recent advertisements that have been trying to warn me of my impending doom. There is the car ad title “Man’s Last Stand” and the Dockers ads imploring men to “wear the pants.” How could I not have seen? All of this feminism running rampant and this reverse sexism are robbing me of my very masculinity – Americans’ lack of dominance in golf is just the tip of the iceberg.

How dare I be expected to be an equal partner in parenting? I only have daughters, so I shouldn’t have to parent at all really – they just need their mother. And how can I be expected to take them to ballet class (or soccer, or football or any other sport they might play in this crazy genderless society)?  I’m just a dad. And what is all this about getting in touch with my feminine side – does that mean I have to say “I love you” to my family and friends and acknowledge that I have emotions other than anger and actually, like, talk to people in a meaningful way? Icky.

Oh wait, that’s right, I forgot, I think that this concept of the impending death of the American male is, well, how to put it nicely, seriously flawed. We still live in a seriously patriarchal society, last time I checked. Women still make less money than men for the same job, men still have a stranglehold on the positions of power in our society (ranging from business to politics to the military) and sexual violence is still being perpetrated primarily by men at extraordinarily high rates against primarily women and children, and that is the tip of the patriarchal iceberg. Poor men, poor us. If the current efforts to create equity across the spectrum of gender (and race, class, age, ability status, etc.) are successful, what will we do if we can’t continue to enjoy the perks of our privilege?

My coworker, Morgan, put it best when we were talking about this issue a few weeks ago. She noted that people in positions of power begin to get uneasy and complain about being left out or marginalized as soon as there is a credible threat to the belief patterns and institutional structures that bestow their privilege upon them. The only way the American man will become obsolete as a result of a steady, but slow march towards equity is if he refuses to change and continues to fight to maintain his privilege. The way it is now, society is not working for women and children, nor is it really working for men.

What are your thoughts on the commentary, the ads and/or the idea that the American man is “being rendered obsolete?”

Ok, this is either going to get strange looks, awkward giggles or get my feminist card revoked, but I have to share a funny story about gender socialization. (Yes, I mean exactly what I said.)

I’m known as a lover of fine coffee and funky coffee shops. In fact, I spend entirely too much time drinking coffee, talking about coffee and just generally being around coffee. I was working from a coffee shop the other day when the barista yelled out “latte on the bar!” A big dude strolled around the corner to fetch his latte and then went to grab a seat. Much to my surprise, this voice popped into my head and said “dude, don’t you know that’s a GIRL’S  drink?!” Honestly, I didn’t actually have a thought that was quite so articulate, but I did balk when the guy picked up the latte. As I sat there and thought about why, I realized that I usually look at men strangely when they order lattes and that I do consider them to be girly drinks (even if they don’t have some sugary flavored syrup added to them).

I can’t explain why I think this. No one ever said the words, “lattes are for girls” to me nor do I recall serving lattes predominantly to women when I worked at a coffee shop. So, where did I get this idea? Somehow the idea was formed through a series of impressions that clearly didn’t have a conscious impact. This is a small example of how our ideas about gender are covertly formed and often acted upon without question – until one day when we realize, much to our own surprise, that we have some silly notion in our head about which drinks are for men and which are for women.

Do you have any example of little things you’ve noticed about gender socialization that have surprised you? (It’s okay to share… none of us are immune to the internalization of these messages. I promise I won’t revoke your feminist, humanist or activist card if you share your story!)

Isn’t it funny how sometimes it is the little statements or questions, the seemingly insignificant customs and practices that are a part of our day-to-day life that can speak such volumes about the intricacies of the way our world works and our society’s values and beliefs? Let me give you an example. I’m running around all over the world (or San Marcos, whatever) doing errands with my daughters last week when I decide to go to the drive-through lane at my bank. When we’re still almost a block away, my oldest daughter’s spidey-senses start tingling. “Can we get a sticker?” comes the desperate plea from this clairvoyant child in the back seat. “Of course you can,” says super dad — that’s me for those of you who don’t already know this about me (wink, wink).

So, we pull up to the magic tube shoot and they take my money and ask if there is anything else. “Yes,” I say, “can we have two stickers?” “Sure,” comes the response. “Would you like boy stickers or girl stickers?” And there it is — that seemingly insignificant phrase that runs over my soul like an 18-wheeler that has lost its brakes. And if that isn’t enough, from the backseat I hear the reply that I know is coming, like that 18-wheeler stopping and backing back up over my soul to finish the job, “Daddy, we need girl stickers because we’re girls.”

All this 18-wheeler and soul-crushing business may seem a little over the top, but this choice of sticker is the tip of the gender conformist, sexist and homophobic iceberg. All the pressure to do this but not that, like this but not that (or him but not her – at least not “that way”), dress like this but not like that are all wrapped up in this simple question – do you want a boy sticker or a girl sticker? As if those stickers hold all that is masculine or feminine, and that there are only two choices with no opportunity to live out characteristics that “belong” only to one or the other once your sticker is chosen. It’s like the stickers are name tags for life, permanently confining who my daughters can or should be – boy or girl.

So all this goes through my head. I’m sure the bank teller is thinking, “This isn’t that hard of a question.” After what feels like forever, I answer “It doesn’t matter,” and prepare myself to explain to my 4 and 5 year-old daughters how they don’t have to pick one or the other, that life and reality are much more fluid than that. Then, the magic tube comes back with two pink stickers – I guess the teller decided for them.

How do you deal with these little moments? Please share your difficult moments, or how you successfully challenged these day to day efforts to enforce what is “normal.”

Football season in the small rural town of Bartlett, Texas is filled with anticipation and excitement.  After all, the Bartlett High School football team was named “team of the decade” after winning three state championship titles during the ‘90s. The not-so-typical thing about the 2009 football season is 10-year-old Danielle’s decision to trade in her cheerleading skirt for a football helmet.

For two years Danielle participated in the youth football league as a cheerleader. “She was not very happy and did not particularly care to be a cheerleader,” says her mother.  But she participated because “that’s what girls did.” This year Danielle decided she would not cheer but instead follow her desire to play football. Initially her parents were hesitant and for good reason. “You tackle like a girl” is a common insult used to demean a player’s ability (not to mention the obvious correlation to femininity as a weakness).  Her parents were not only concerned with their daughter’s physical ability to play football but her emotional ability to face possible rejection. Danielle was persistent though, and with her parents’ support embarked on a journey that challenged societal expectations in her town.

Danielle (#32) is wearing the blue jersey with gray sleeves.

Her immediate reaction to dust off and adjust her clothes after her “manly” tackle is priceless.

Danielle’s decision to play was not calculated to take a stand or to rebel against conformity (although it was a consequence).  It simply was to follow her heart. Often times following your dreams comes with restrictions. Danielle’s courageous decision to defy gender role expectations is exceptional. And surprisingly both her coaches and fellow players welcomed Danielle to the team.  “It (football) helps both boys AND girls gain confidence and character while building camaraderie,” says Zachary Buchhorn, a coach for the Bartlett Youth Football League. I ran into Danielle last weekend and asked if she planned to play next year. She responded, “nah, football is not for me. I just wanted to prove I could do it.” My heart skipped a beat! Her unwillingness to allow gendered expectations to stop her is awesomely refreshing and a standard we all should follow.

I often mention gender role socialization (and strict gender roles) as a risk factor in conversations I have with people about the primary prevention of sexual violence. Many people nod their heads, but I suspect that they don’t really know exactly what I mean by that phrase – but leave it to children to provide an example…

My oldest daughter (she’s 4), told me a couple of days ago that she doesn’t like pink anymore and that she only likes “boy colors” – which in my daughter’s world include red, blue and green, but definitely not purple or pink. When asked why she didn’t like those colors, or more importantly, why she thought of those colors as “boy” and “girl” colors, she told me that her cousin (who is a 6-year-old female) told her, and that her cousin only likes “boy colors.”

AHHH! So there it is. Our society clings to the binary, dividing everything into two categories (male – female, white – nonwhite) and then forcing everyone into one or the other, or to pick one or the other. My daughter is succumbing to peer pressure at 4 to drop her favorite color;, pink, which is likely at least partially her favorite color because of the pressure to like “girl colors.” Peer pressure is coming from her older cousin who has accepted her socialization and divided colors into two gender-based color categories – “boy colors” and “girl colors.” To complicate things even more, my niece has resisted the messages she’s received and chosen “boy colors” as her favorite, despite being a girl (resist sister, resist). If you’re head is spinning, imagine mine as I try to navigate the parenting maze to find a way to get my 4-year-old to stand up for her own beliefs and be true to herself, while examining the messages she receives and how she internalizes them. (Is pink really your favorite or is it just because the Disney princesses love pink?)

Do you have a story to share about witnessing gender role socialization firsthand, or do you have any advice for a struggling (haven’t given up yet) parent trying to pass on the skills to navigate such a complex world?

Oh, and by the way, my daughter is now back to loving pink. Yay???