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Earlier this month, we held our annual primary prevention institute – Sustaining Change. As part of my opening statements, I chose to talk about the definitions of “sustain” and “change.” One of the definitions of “sustain” – “to support the spirits, vitality, or resolution of; encourage” really struck a chord with me. It reminded me about the ways in which the approach I take to ending sexual violence is, and should be, reflected in other aspects of my life, including being a father.

One of the realities of violence in all its forms is that it diminishes us. It makes us focus on the unhealthy and bad within ourselves and others. It isolates us. It steals our joy, love and self confidence. One of the ways we can struggle against violence is to reach out to one another – to find ways to support each other and focus on what is good in people and communities. We can’t ignore the violence, but neither should we fix our focus on it, because if we do, we don’t make room for good and healthy things.

I believe that successful parenting depends on a similar approach. I have two daughters. I could spend my entire time as a parent focused on disciplining them when they do something that I see as wrong or bad – that would be easy and that is what I’ve been taught is my role as parent. The other choice my partner and I try to make is to focus instead on the positive, loving, courageous and change-creating behaviors my daughters exhibit. I try to encourage those behaviors when I see them, even if they aren’t supported by those around them. If, instead, discipline is all I do, I risk diminishing their confidence in making the difficult decision to do what is right.

What are the ways in which you encourage the youth in your life? How have you successfully focused and built on supporting the positive change already occurring in your community? Please share you experiences, or thoughts.

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery; none but ourselves can free   our mind.”                                          

                                                                    “from Redemption Song”

One of my friends has a theory that a person’s view of the world is “tinted” by the colors of their eyes. And I think “What, they don’t see the same things I do?”

My children roll their eyes and say with disappointment and a touch of anger, “You are so un-American!” And I wonder where it is written that being “unAmerican” is a bad thing?

A friend’s child is marrying a person of a different ethnicity, race, and religion. She tells me she has to “have a talk” with her child. And I wonder, “What she will say?”

To make a fuss over someone’s point of view, nationality, ethnicity, race, religion or sexuality, is, to me, unproductive – the deeper questions, the potential to learn and explore the deeper issues are lost. Ḗ uma pena porque pode ser uma coisa de grande importancia o algo em nosso melho interesse que vamos peder.

And I wonder – why are we so threatened by diversity of thought?

Picture a short, slightly rotund 82-year-old lady who kept her short hair somewhat haphazardly dyed various shades of red, auburn, orange. She lived in Houston most of her life and was definitely the “city aunt” when she visited family in our small town.

Then she moved back home to live in the senior citizens’ apartments. That’s when I first met her, and we hit it off right away. With that audacious red hair instead of the requisite slightly blue-gray most women her age chose, she reminded me of my mother. Aunt Lurline seemed to enjoy her new opportunity to have close friends nearby. Senior Citizens’ Center activities kept her engaged with others, and the close-knit community of residents felt safe compared to living in Houston.

So the early morning call from my sister-in-law whispering, “Aunt Lurline said she was raped. Can you come talk to her?” felt like a bad dream. Not my family. Not in my small home town. Working in a sexual assault program for years was little preparation for hearing those words. Though part of me certainly knew that anyone, anywhere can become a victim of sexual assault, another part of me couldn’t take in what I heard.

I saw her the next day while she was still in the local hospital. She didn’t want to talk. Her face was mostly a tired stare interrupted by a few moments of forced attempts at connection. During one of those moments she told me she was scared. She thanked me for coming to see her. I told her I’d come back any time she asked and to let me know if she wanted my support in talking with the police or anyone else. I left her room feeling helpless. And angry and sad and I still don’t know how many other feelings.

I heard from family that she knew who raped her. It was another resident who also worked there as part-time handyman, someone she knew well and trusted. Our whole family knew the man. The whole community knew the man.

She told the police what happened to her. I heard they asked some questions—of Aunt Lurline and the man.

Then I heard from a couple of family members that Aunt Lurline wasn’t telling the truth, that she was just confused, imagining things, and telling this story to get attention. I was dumbfounded. For the second time I thought my work should have prepared me for this possibility. How many times had I seen family and friends not believe the person who’d been sexually assaulted?

Aunt Lurline went back to her apartment. But she never seemed like the same feisty woman I’d first met. There was a dullness, a hesitation about her. I never saw that boldly dyed hair again.

 May is Elder Abuse Prevention Month.   Abuse – neglect – exploitation.  See how far you have to search the sites included here to find information about sexual abuse. 

Or see Elderly Victims of Sexual Abuse and Their Offenders, a 2006 report from the National Institute of Justice.

I’m a UT student and I live in an area called West Campus. The majority of college parties are thrown in this area, so it’s known for being rather boisterous at night, especially on the weekends. My room has large windows that face the street, so I can always hear anything going on outside.

Two weeks ago I was awoken by an argument outside at 4 a.m. Instead of going back to sleep, I curiously peered out the window and watched as a couple argued beside a running pick-up truck. A girl was sitting on the ground with her back turned to a guy who was standing up and yelling at her.

After watching for a couple of minutes and debating whether or not to intervene, I saw the guy kick the girl’s purse, which was sitting right beside her, into the street. That was all I needed to motivate me to start getting dressed to head outside. However, before I had put on my shoes, I heard the pick-up truck squeal away and saw the girl’s friends comforting her as they walked away.

The next day, when I told my friends about the incident, they told me I should never have decided to intervene. “It’s not like he hit her or anything, so it isn’t any of your business.” This common response struck a chord with me. It’s not your business. But why not? Read more

I often mention gender role socialization (and strict gender roles) as a risk factor in conversations I have with people about the primary prevention of sexual violence. Many people nod their heads, but I suspect that they don’t really know exactly what I mean by that phrase – but leave it to children to provide an example…

My oldest daughter (she’s 4), told me a couple of days ago that she doesn’t like pink anymore and that she only likes “boy colors” – which in my daughter’s world include red, blue and green, but definitely not purple or pink. When asked why she didn’t like those colors, or more importantly, why she thought of those colors as “boy” and “girl” colors, she told me that her cousin (who is a 6-year-old female) told her, and that her cousin only likes “boy colors.”

AHHH! So there it is. Our society clings to the binary, dividing everything into two categories (male – female, white – nonwhite) and then forcing everyone into one or the other, or to pick one or the other. My daughter is succumbing to peer pressure at 4 to drop her favorite color;, pink, which is likely at least partially her favorite color because of the pressure to like “girl colors.” Peer pressure is coming from her older cousin who has accepted her socialization and divided colors into two gender-based color categories – “boy colors” and “girl colors.” To complicate things even more, my niece has resisted the messages she’s received and chosen “boy colors” as her favorite, despite being a girl (resist sister, resist). If you’re head is spinning, imagine mine as I try to navigate the parenting maze to find a way to get my 4-year-old to stand up for her own beliefs and be true to herself, while examining the messages she receives and how she internalizes them. (Is pink really your favorite or is it just because the Disney princesses love pink?)

Do you have a story to share about witnessing gender role socialization firsthand, or do you have any advice for a struggling (haven’t given up yet) parent trying to pass on the skills to navigate such a complex world?

Oh, and by the way, my daughter is now back to loving pink. Yay???

*WARNING: This post contains graphic references to sexual violence.

I’ve always received a massive amount of junk email at work, regardless of what spam filter we are using.  I also notice that at least 75% of the ads are sexual in nature and just assumed this is a result of us having the word “sexual” in the name of our agency. I literally get thousands of sex aid advertisements a month. What really concerns me much more than the volume of these ads I’m receiving is the progression from benign and juvenile to obscene and violent.

This latest wave of ads began hitting my mailbox in early October. The subject line usually said something to the effect of  “leave her begging for more”  or “don’t let your love-making embarrass you any longer.” There was a day or so when they vied for the attention of the potential customer with a little humor and borderline copyright infringement, i.e. “quicker pecker picker upper.”  Then I noticed a serious shift in advertising strategies which often came in 3-4 day waves and frankly none of these strategies take the high road. They move beyond preying on men’s insecurities to degrading and objectifying women, using violent imagery, getting increasingly vulgar and promoting sex with underaged girls. Read more

Child sexual assault is a concern shared across political, racial and socioeconomic boundaries. I attended the Children’s Advocacy Center of Texas annual conference in Austin last week and was overwhelmed (in a positive way) by the information.

I walked away with a deep appreciation for the delicate process of a forensic interview and child forensic interviewers. Child sexual assault issues have received much legislative attention the past two sessions. The Texas tough penalties are in effect, however the muddled dynamics of child sexual assault remain the same.  Societal (potential jury members’) expectations rely on definitive physical and DNA evidence, however most confirmed cases of child sexual assault presented at emergency rooms across the country are found inconclusive. This highly-charged atmosphere places a huge burden on all agencies involved in these cases, specifically child forensic interviewers and prosecutors.

I attended a session by Chris Newlin, executive director of the National Children’s Advocacy Center, in which a prosecutor in the audience raised two concerns: first, the lack of specific information (date, time, place, type of assaults, etc.) obtained from the interview process and, second, the lack of knowledge of child sexual assault statutes amongst interviewers. Mr. Newlin countered with a methodical explanation of child sexual assault disclosure as a process rather than an event.

The concerns, although valid, are very cut and dry, whereas the dynamics surrounding child sexual assault are not. Therein lies the impediment to justice for child victims and society as a whole.

The burden on child victims and forensic interviewers are great and with the stiff penalties of Jessica’s Law the stakes are high for prosecutors. The responsibility of keeping children safe lies unduly on child victims, agencies obtaining evidence and prosecutors putting away the bad guys.  The community must recognize its role in creating an environment conducive for the safety of all its members.  Until then… hats off to those in the trenches.

I am in the process of switching duplex units (upgrading). I called the utility company to have both units in my name for a week to progressively move my items. I was informed that I needed to physically present myself, a copy of the lease and a valid photo I.D. in order to get the services.  This is a new policy that went into effect August  2009. I think it is ludicrous!

Is the purpose of the new policy to reduce identity theft as I was told or is it as I suspect – a back door attempt to further marginalize certain communities? Whatever the intention of the policy change, the impact will mostly affect disadvantaged communities. Not to mention the implications of this new policy on victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. I would love to hear your thoughts. Sound off!

“What do you want for Christmas?” I witnessed a grandmother ask her grandchild the other day. The child smiled and immediately rattled off at least 10 items. “You are so greedy!” Grandma replied, as she looked at me and shrugged. I saw the child’s face fall.

Uncomfortable silence filled the space and  I felt the tug of “I am not going to collude with you, either by silence or words,” versus “I do not want to offend anyone.”  My overriding thought was for the child – what did they just learn about their wants, expressing those wants,  their grandmother and their self identity? More importantly, is this one more bit of evidence the child will use to lower their self- expectations and self-esteem?

Self-talk. Some people call it “the Greek chorus,” “the shitty committee,” “my mother’s voice,” or some other term that has a negative connotation for them. Are interactions like the Christmas list incident where this type of negative self-talk starts?

“Internalized oppression is not the cause of our mistreatment, it is the result of our mistreatment.” – Micheline Mason

I believe mistreatment starts with the words we hear.  What we say matters. A lot.

I looked at the grandmother and grandchild and smiled at them both. “I think it is good to know what you want, and to say so when you are asked.”

A post at elephantjournal yesterday has got me thinking. The post is short and to the point, ultimately summed up in the title “Do PETA’s Ends justify their Means?” Now, I’ve been grumbling  about PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) for a long time because of what I believe to be a never-ending series of misogynistic ads. However, looking beyond the misogyny itself for a minute (it’s difficult but go with me), this begs the broader question of which tactics we are willing to use to bring about the change we want to see.

I do see all oppression as linked and am therefore opposed to throwing one group under the bus for the sake of gains in one area (ahem, ENDA). Here’s the thing… we can’t create the world we want to see by consistently engaging in tactics that are inconsistent with our vision for the world, no matter how much attention those tactics may bring to our cause. Maybe objectification of women really isn’t inconsistent with the world PETA is trying to create. (You kind of have to wonder at this point, right?) I’d like to think that most of us would hold ourselves, and the causes we champion, to a higher standard than that.

Sure, maybe we don’t get as much attention as PETA. Maybe we don’t garner as much publicity and therefore get as many donations. Maybe we make smaller, more incremental changes – one person or small group at a time. To me, that is preferable to using outlandish and ultimately harmful tactics to get attention and make a point. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for outlandish as long as it’s outlandish in a way that is consistent with my ultimate vision for the world. And, it seems to me that if the attention paid PETA’s tactics were really reflective of their effectiveness then everyone would be a vegetarian by now.

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