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TAASA’s annual conference will take place Feb. 29 – March 4, 2010 in South Padre Island. This year the scholarship program hails state, national and international applicants from a variety of disciplines all of whom work directly with underserved communities. Be the first to know and join us for our inaugural cyber-event by viewing the video below.

Initiated in 2007, the scholarship program honors the spirit of grassroots advocacy and highlights individuals exhibiting extraordinary efforts within hard to reach populations. The program awards financial assistance in support of attendance to the TAASA Annual Conference. In line with our mission, the scholarship is open to anyone who demonstrates dedication to and performance of sexual assault prevention, intervention and/or social justice initiatives within hard to reach populations.

Football season in the small rural town of Bartlett, Texas is filled with anticipation and excitement.  After all, the Bartlett High School football team was named “team of the decade” after winning three state championship titles during the ‘90s. The not-so-typical thing about the 2009 football season is 10-year-old Danielle’s decision to trade in her cheerleading skirt for a football helmet.

For two years Danielle participated in the youth football league as a cheerleader. “She was not very happy and did not particularly care to be a cheerleader,” says her mother.  But she participated because “that’s what girls did.” This year Danielle decided she would not cheer but instead follow her desire to play football. Initially her parents were hesitant and for good reason. “You tackle like a girl” is a common insult used to demean a player’s ability (not to mention the obvious correlation to femininity as a weakness).  Her parents were not only concerned with their daughter’s physical ability to play football but her emotional ability to face possible rejection. Danielle was persistent though, and with her parents’ support embarked on a journey that challenged societal expectations in her town.

Danielle (#32) is wearing the blue jersey with gray sleeves.

Her immediate reaction to dust off and adjust her clothes after her “manly” tackle is priceless.

Danielle’s decision to play was not calculated to take a stand or to rebel against conformity (although it was a consequence).  It simply was to follow her heart. Often times following your dreams comes with restrictions. Danielle’s courageous decision to defy gender role expectations is exceptional. And surprisingly both her coaches and fellow players welcomed Danielle to the team.  “It (football) helps both boys AND girls gain confidence and character while building camaraderie,” says Zachary Buchhorn, a coach for the Bartlett Youth Football League. I ran into Danielle last weekend and asked if she planned to play next year. She responded, “nah, football is not for me. I just wanted to prove I could do it.” My heart skipped a beat! Her unwillingness to allow gendered expectations to stop her is awesomely refreshing and a standard we all should follow.

While I was a Voices Against Violence peer theater performer at the University of Texas, we educated student groups and other community groups about sexual assault, domestic violence and stalking. We used improvised, interactive skits to facilitate dialogue about these issues. During workshops, other students frequently wanted to discuss the definition of sexual assault. They wanted us to explain exactly what qualifies as rape. This usually led to extremely distressing comments/questions.

“How drunk is too drunk to have sex with someone?”

“Did she actually say no?”

“If she made out with him (or engaged in some other form of sexual activity) before, how was he supposed to know it wasn’t ok this time?”

“Is trying to convince someone who says no at first sexual assault?”

“There’s a difference between taking advantage of a situation and actually RAPING someone.”

And on and on…

During our VAV meetings, we spent a lot of time unpacking these experiences and trying to find appropriate ways to address them. Because of course, these questions are important. Right?

Maybe not so much. Why are we, as human beings, so concerned with finding out exactly how far we can go without crossing the line into sexually assaulting another person? Why are we not, instead, focused on trying to be as respectful, kind, compassionate, loving to each other as possible? If you even have to ask yourself, “is what I’m doing sexual assault?” then you are no longer treating the other person with respect. We should attempt to stay as far away from that line as we can, not see if we can balance right on the edge. Isn’t that the most responsible, ethical course to take? (I don’t recall whether it was one of our faculty advisors – the amazing Geeta Cowlagi and Lynn Hoare – or a fellow student or a feminist author who first introduced this idea to me, but it is the answer I have come back to time and again as I continue my journey in this work and this life.) 

Legally, exact definitions matter. In order to ensure justice, the law needs to be as clear as possible. But just because a certain act may be legal, that does not make it right. There are many things that may not qualify as sexual assault legally, but are certainly degrading and yes, sexually violent.

We are so concerned with “ruining” sex that we hurt other people in the process. I can’t even count how many times I’ve encountered outright indignation at the idea that enthusiastic, clearly expressed consent is absolutely necessary for sexual activity. Some people actually get angry at the notion. “You expect people to ask every time they want to do anything sexual? Even if I am dating/committed/married to them? Ridiculous!”

But I don’t believe that consent is just about “yes” or “no.” It’s about context, like anything else. If I say yes because I am afraid of getting hurt or punished for refusing, that is not consent. If I don’t say anything or perhaps even say no, but I laugh and respond physically to my partner in a way that we have established as meaning yes, then that can be consensual. If I do not respond at all, whether because I’m asleep or too drunk or angry or whatever, that’s definitely a no. It’s cliché but it can’t be emphasized enough: sex is only sex if all parties completely consent. Otherwise, that’s rape. Even if you don’t get arrested. End of story.

I took a vacation. To my amazement, everywhere I looked there was a training topic or a blog theme. Finally, one of my children uttered, “geez, everything is abuse to you!” and walked away.

I bet every single one of us has a story of taking our work home with us and having it leak out without our even knowing it. This is called burnout.  It comes from witnessing or learning about a traumatic event.  Clients process their traumatic events with us. How many stories do you hear in one day? How do you process them?

The most important part of coping with the intensity of this work is to acknowledge its effects on us. When our job becomes the sole source of satisfaction, detaching from it can become difficult. This is the paradox of burnout: the line between fighting for a cause and fighting against people gets blurred. We can become jaded, even cynical. We start telling people what to do “for their own good” instead of empowering them.

Prevention is an inside job, too. It’s not only about changing paradigms; it’s also about changing ourselves. Proactive self-care, coping strategies and “first aid for the brain” (i.e., exercise, fluids and verbalization) are as necessary for us and the work we do as they are for our clients. When I am gentle with myself, I am also gentle with others. That is something a person cannot fake.

KVUE’s Noelle Newton interviewed me about no-report sexual assault exams. Here is some background information about the new law.

Sexual Assault Exams Are Now Available Without Police Involvement

If a sexual assault victim is not ready to get police involved, she or he still has the option to have a sexual assault examination conducted. No police report is required.

What is a Non-Report Sexual Assault Exam?

A sexual assault examination (also called a medical forensic exam) is a procedure conducted by a medical professional to treat and diagnose a victim of sexual assault while also collecting evidence of the crime.

“Non-report sexual assault exam” refers to the same examination, except the survivor can choose to involve police much later or not at all. There is no law requiring medical facilities to report sexual assaults of adults to law enforcement, so the decision to report is entirely the survivor’s.

Why is a Sexual Assault Exam Important if the Victim Doesn’t Report?

Privacy is of paramount importance to most sexual assault survivors. Survivors often need time to prepare themselves before reporting since criminal investigations and prosecutions are often invasive and exhausting.

However, the immediate collection of forensic evidence is extremely important in sexual assault cases. It can mean the difference between a conviction and a dismissal – or even failing to identify the perpetrator at all. Evidence a perpetrator leaves behind after a sexual assault is especially vulnerable to contamination or being washed away. An immediate sexual assault exam allows for the collection of corroborating evidence to support a victim’s allegations in the criminal justice system.

Non-report sexual assault examinations balance the needs of the victim and the criminal justice system by allowing survivors to preserve important evidence to use against their attackers and still take the time they need to decide whether to report.

Victims who are unsure about reporting their attacks to authorities may seek more information about the reporting process from their local sexual assault prevention and assistance programs. These programs provide survivors with support, confidential services, and an advocate to accompany victims to the emergency room.

Is a Non-Report Sexual Assault Exam Confidential?

Yes. Any evidence collected during a non-report exam remains confidential. To protect victim privacy, the evidence is assigned a unique identifier instead of the victim’s name.

The unique identifier is then used to identify the evidence, not the victim. Only if the victim chooses to report the sexual assault at a later time is the Department of Public Safety able to link the evidence to the victim.

Read more

Marcella at abyss2hope employed a metaphor I think could be very useful to explain the problem with blaming victims of sexual violence for their assaults:

We don’t prevent bank robberies by shaming bank employees. In many bank robberies there is a possibility that the attempt could be foiled, but we acknowledge that there are risks whenever money is being handled.

I realize this isn’t a perfect metaphor; bank robberies and sexual assault aren’t perfectly comparable for many reasons, but I think this metaphor has potential to help start conversations with people who just don’t “get it.” Who knows, maybe it could even trigger a few “ah ha!” moments.

Any metaphors or parables you’ve heard that have proved helpful in your work?