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“What do you want for Christmas?” I witnessed a grandmother ask her grandchild the other day. The child smiled and immediately rattled off at least 10 items. “You are so greedy!” Grandma replied, as she looked at me and shrugged. I saw the child’s face fall.

Uncomfortable silence filled the space and  I felt the tug of “I am not going to collude with you, either by silence or words,” versus “I do not want to offend anyone.”  My overriding thought was for the child – what did they just learn about their wants, expressing those wants,  their grandmother and their self identity? More importantly, is this one more bit of evidence the child will use to lower their self- expectations and self-esteem?

Self-talk. Some people call it “the Greek chorus,” “the shitty committee,” “my mother’s voice,” or some other term that has a negative connotation for them. Are interactions like the Christmas list incident where this type of negative self-talk starts?

“Internalized oppression is not the cause of our mistreatment, it is the result of our mistreatment.” – Micheline Mason

I believe mistreatment starts with the words we hear.  What we say matters. A lot.

I looked at the grandmother and grandchild and smiled at them both. “I think it is good to know what you want, and to say so when you are asked.”

A post at elephantjournal yesterday has got me thinking. The post is short and to the point, ultimately summed up in the title “Do PETA’s Ends justify their Means?” Now, I’ve been grumbling  about PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) for a long time because of what I believe to be a never-ending series of misogynistic ads. However, looking beyond the misogyny itself for a minute (it’s difficult but go with me), this begs the broader question of which tactics we are willing to use to bring about the change we want to see.

I do see all oppression as linked and am therefore opposed to throwing one group under the bus for the sake of gains in one area (ahem, ENDA). Here’s the thing… we can’t create the world we want to see by consistently engaging in tactics that are inconsistent with our vision for the world, no matter how much attention those tactics may bring to our cause. Maybe objectification of women really isn’t inconsistent with the world PETA is trying to create. (You kind of have to wonder at this point, right?) I’d like to think that most of us would hold ourselves, and the causes we champion, to a higher standard than that.

Sure, maybe we don’t get as much attention as PETA. Maybe we don’t garner as much publicity and therefore get as many donations. Maybe we make smaller, more incremental changes – one person or small group at a time. To me, that is preferable to using outlandish and ultimately harmful tactics to get attention and make a point. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for outlandish as long as it’s outlandish in a way that is consistent with my ultimate vision for the world. And, it seems to me that if the attention paid PETA’s tactics were really reflective of their effectiveness then everyone would be a vegetarian by now.

According to Sweden’s The Local, a class of sixth grade students filed a complaint against Toys ‘R’ Us for perpetuating gender role stereotypes with their catalogues.

Last winter, a sixth grade class at Gustavslund school in Växjö in south central Sweden reported Toys’R'Us to the Reklamombudsmannen (Ro), a self-regulatory agency which polices marketing and advertising communications in Sweden to ensure they are in line with guidelines set out by the International Chamber of Commerce (ICC).

According to the youngsters, the Toys’R'Us Christmas catalogue featured “outdated gender roles because boys and girls were shown playing with different types of toys, whereby the boys were portrayed as active and the girls as passive”, according to a statement from Ro.

The group’s teacher explained to the local Smålandsposten newspaper that filing the complaint was the culmination of more than two years of “long-term work” by the students on gender roles.

Wow! It’s so heartening to hear about a group of pre-teens standing up for their beliefs – and exciting that they care about this issue. So many adults defend gender role socialization as “natural,” so it’s fabulous to see young people taking a stand.

I have heard many men – strangers, acquaintances and friends – complain about women who are “rude” to men who approach them. A common sentiment is that it takes guts for a man to approach a woman and try to strike up a conversation, so women somehow owe it to these men to be welcoming, open, polite, etc. For women, though, the experience is quite different.

I’m sure nearly all women reading this can identify with having an unknown man approach her and make her very uncomfortable or even fearful because of something he said or did, or maybe because of the particular environment or situation. Many of us have had the experience of being berated or verbally abused when we fail to respond to said man’s advances in a way he deems appropriate.

Shapely Prose tackles this issue with Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced. The author does what I often have a lot of trouble doing when faced with men who lament this type of rejection: she explains how and why many women react negatively to being approached by strangers while giving those men the benefit of the doubt and assuming that most of them have good intentions.

Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in public. The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily routine, rather than merely something you do when you venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is.

…

When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.

Fortunately, you’re a good guy. We’ve already established that. Now that you’re aware that there’s a problem, you are going to go out of your way to fix it, and to make the women with whom you interact feel as safe as possible.

She goes on to give men several tips for approaching women while still respecting women’s boundaries and right to not respond if they don’t want to. I highly recommend you read the whole piece and share it with someone who doesn’t “get it” – it may just save you some breath.

From Stopfamilyviolence.org:

Senator Al  Franken  (D-MN) has introduced an amendment to the Department of Defense Appropriations bill (Amendment number 2588) that will be brought for a vote tomorrow, Tuesday Oct 6.

This amendment will prevent defense contractors from requiring mandatory employment arbitration of employment discrimination, sexual harassment, and sexual assault claims.

The government shouldn’t let these women be victimized twice—first by being raped or assaulted in their workplace, and then by being denied the right to have their day in court.

ACT NOW!  Contact your senators to urge them to vote YES  for  Senate Amendment 2588.

This amendment was drafted in response to Jamie Leigh Jones’ case against DoD contractor KBR after she was gang raped by co-workers in Baghdad and the company restrained her in a shipping container for at least 24 hours. Luckily, as I blogged about last month, Jones was eventually vindicated and allowed to sue KBR. Without this amendment though, KBR or other contractors will be able to continue abusing and re-victimizing sexual assault victims. This amendment will help hold them accountable, so act now!

For days now I’ve been trying to think of how to approach Roman Polanski’s arrest here on Speaking Out. Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything I can add to the argument that hasn’t already been said by others who are equally horrified with the sympathy Polanski is getting from so many.

Domenica Marchetti at Politics Daily discusses just some of the shameful pro-Polanksi support many celebs are spewing. Mary Elizabeth Williams of Salon declares, “Want justice for Polanski? Let him go.” – but not for the reasons you may think. And, my personal favorite, Kate Harding, also of Salon refocuses us on the real issue – that Polanski raped a child.

The  Office of the Attorney General of Texas recently released this law enforcement update that we felt was important to share.

Recovering from a sexual assault is an intensely personal ordeal that is different for each survivor. Initially, some victims will justifiably react with shock, disbelief and fear. Everyday activities may be disrupted, including eating and sleeping. Victims may feel the need to change their address, job or lifestyle in order to regain their sense of security. With so much difficulty to overcome, victims should not also face financial hardship, which is why the Texas Legislature created the Texas Compensation for Victims of Crime (CVC) Fund. Recently, the Office of the Attorney General, which administers this vitally important fund, reached a significant milestone: $1 billion in payments to crime victims.

Last year alone, the CVC Fund provided reimbursement for more than 8,500 sexual assault exams and sexual assault examination kits. A sexual assault examination is not medical treatment, but rather a part of the criminal investigation. The exam is performed by medical personnel, who carefully collect and preserve crucial evidence that law enforcement uses to identify sexual assault perpetrators. Immediate medical needs and referrals for follow-up care also will be addressed at the time of a victim’s hospital visit.

Sexual assault victims are not charged for a forensic sexual assault exam. The kits are paid for by local law enforcement agencies, which seek reimbursement from the CVC Fund. For years the Fund has covered, and will continue to cover, the costs of sexual assault forensic examinations and kits.

Sexual assault victims decide for themselves whether to report the crime to law enforcement. Victims are more comfortable seeking medical help than they are reporting a crime. Those victims are helped by a new law that became effective June 19. Under House Bill 2626, the Department of Public Safety (DPS) pays for sexual assault examinations when victims have not reported the assault to law enforcement at the time of treatment. DPS then seeks reimbursement from the CVC Fund. Read more