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by Morgan J Curtis and Tim Love

We’ve had some questions recently about a lot of the terms we use when we train about issues related to sexual orientation, especially homophobia, heterosexism, and queer (yes, we went there, we said queer). We wanted to clarify why we use the terms we do and maybe start a convo about them as well.

Here’s the thing: there really isn’t a term for the oppression of or prejudice against people based on sexual orientation that is the equivalent of sexism, racism, classism, ableism, etc. We have words to touch upon some of the nuances related to oppression on the basis of sexual orientation but no single term that really tells the whole story of oppression. “Homophobia” isn’t quite right. It gives us insight into a potential cause of oppression, but it doesn’t describe the oppression itself – the institutional denial of rights, safety and full expression of self. Some people don’t like the term homophobia because they feel that referring to this phenomenon as a “phobia” (i.e., an intense and potentially irrational fear) of people who engage in same sex relationships is a bit extreme and inaccurate. We can see something in that argument, however, we believe there’s something to this whole “phobia” idea, especially since one of us was told not too long ago that Texas needed to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage so “the gay” didn’t spread like the cancer it is.

So, what about heterosexism? This is a word we really like but, again, it doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter. Heterosexism refers to the belief that heterosexuality is the normal and acceptable sexual orientation and that anything other than a narrow view of heterosexuality is abnormal, and therefore wrong. (For example, the way we might ask a man we just met if he has a wife or a girlfriend.) This term is useful, but it doesn’t quite describe the venom and hatred toward people who aren’t heterosexual our society exhibits. It also doesn’t quite account for the fear, hatred and violence directed at people who don’t conform to societal expectations for sexual orientation and gender expression.
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Online predators are grand manipulators. They prey on the vulnerable and lure victims by telling them exactly what is needed to alienate them from their community. Rescued victims say these perpetrators tell them things like: “I would never talk to you that way;” “Have I ever said anything to hurt you?”; “You are perfect just the way you are;” and “I understand you completely.”

How then do we prevent our children from becoming victims? There are programs, filters and blocking technology that limit computer access to sites or chat rooms, but cell phones have internet and photo capabilities. Xbox systems come with webcams. If sites are blocked at home, a teen can visit a friend’s house or go online at school. The list goes on and on. As technology grows the list will grow too. Reactive or punitive measures do not deter youth.

When did we stop listening to what youth tell us? Rescued victims have told us what it is that they longed to hear and felt like they got from online predators – unconditional acceptance and love; positive, encouraging messages about who they are. Can we as parents, family, educators and coaches arm them with confidence, self-respect and a sense that they are striving to be best they can, and mistakes will happen? Can we make a communal effort to become a source of positive reinforcement? When a child acts out, makes a mistake, can we say “What made this seem like a good idea? What outcome were you expecting? I know you are smart. I know you learn from your mistakes and will make a different choice next time.” And then talk about options and different outcomes, so the child hears, over and over again in their community, just how special and loved they are. Maybe then, hearing it from a stranger in cyberspace will be nothing special at all.

Abstinence only vs. comprehensive sex education is a topic of heated debate however, in a small rural Texas town both may be missing the point. The numbers are astonishing:

- Number of students grade 7 to 12 = 179
- 14 pregnant + 14 fathers = 28 students directly affected
- Three are pregnant for the second time
- Two of the pregnant teens are 8th graders.

The impact of teenage pregnancy on a small school is devastating. Abstaining from or education about sex misses the point. I personally gave a comprehensive sex ed talk to one of the girls and to my dismay discovered she was pregnant six months later (for the second time). The problem is much deeper than awareness campaigns and pep talks.

I realize the intent of both programs are specific to conversations around sex, however teen pregnancy is one of the results in which programs are measured and therein lies my point. Houston! We STILL have a problem! Neither abstinence only nor sex education addresses core issues leading not only to teen pregnancy but also to dating violence, harassment, lack of gender respect and gay bashing. Underlying messages are powerful and impact behavior. Whether it comes from peers, parents or the media, expectations are set and outcomes follow suit.

The intent of this entry is not to argue abstinence only vs. comprehensive sex education (for the record I believe in a comprehensive sex education program that includes a healthy dialogue on sexual orientation), but to voice my concern for the lack of initiatives addressing self esteem, respect and acceptance amongst youth. Destructive messages bombard teenagers on any given day. What is being done to counteract them? I am interested in hearing about existing programs addressing destructive attitudes.

Every few years or so it seems that e-mails tend to recycle. I wanted to dispel some of the most egregious points made in one particular e-mail, often called “Through a Rapist’s Eyes (No Joke).”

Rapists look for VULNERABILITES, not hairstyle or clothing. To think that hairstyle or clothing will keep a person safe is a way to subtly blame the victim for the actions of the rapist. The “stereotypical” rapist, those rapists who attack strangers, account for 7% of reported rapes. A person is more likely to be raped by someone they know at least casually (93% of reported rapes). This debunks just about every stereotype about rapists. This also means that the rapist uses instrumental, not gratuitous violence; multiple strategies to make the victim more vulnerable; and the weapon of choice is usually drugs and/or alcohol, not guns or knives. This is not only a violent crime; it is also a betrayal of trust.

What is common between both stranger and non-stranger rape is that the crime is carried out in secret, the setting is to the rapist’s liking and the rapist does exactly what he/she wants, if the rapist thinks they can get away.

The best self defense is awareness and correct information, talked about and shared with friends, neighbors and loved ones. This can help start conversations and give everyone some tools to start fighting the silent epidemic of rape.

For more information and statistics on rape check out the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reports, the Department of Justice’s website, or the National Center for Victims of Crime.

The other day as I was making the relaxing trip from San Marcos to Austin during morning rush hour, a commercial came on the radio that troubled me. As I listened to this man recounting the torture of having to watch “chick” shows his girlfriend recorded using their DVR, I realized I had stumbled upon a sinister plot by the liberal, feminist media to strip away our masculinity and turn us into … well, women. This poor man was actually being turned “sensitive and caring.” EWW! What is this world coming to?

I realize that this commercial is not unique, but it really got to me. Why are we so fearful as men of being sensitive and caring? Maybe a better question is why does this patriarchal culture we live in define “male” in such rigid, unrealistic and detrimental ways? And how can we challenge that definition?

I feel safe in assuming that most men want to be good friends and partners. It’s about time we embraced sensitivity and caring as human attributes, and remove the shame of striving for them. We owe it to our children, friends, family and communities, as well as ourselves, to discount the dominant story of masculinity we are told. Doing so will free us to experience the connection to people we’ve been denying to ourselves in the name of privilege.

I promised that I would do an update on what happened after I posted the original blog entry. I’m sorry that it’s taken so long but my thoughts have been all over the board since I received Mr. Bunch’s email on Saturday evening and I wanted to take some time to process things before I immediately did another post. Don’t get me wrong – though exhausted from this and other things going on I was anxious to immediately post a follow up post on Saturday and perhaps I should have, but Jimmy Stewart (best media buyer ever) was great to post in the comments the email from KWTX General Manager Bob Bunch which included his reasoning. (I intended to do the same thing because I thought it only fair after previously sharing that they gave us no reason and so many people wanted to understand it.)
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I’ll update this post with more details a bit later. Thanks everyone who commented, called, emailed or tweeted the station!

In February 2003, TAASA launched the award-winning “Speak Up. Speak Out.” campaign, which included television, radio and print public service advertisements that still run today. Each ad features an actual survivor of sexual assault sharing his or her own personal story. However, their messages are about hope and healing – survival and recovery, rather than victimization – reinforcing the campaign’s goal to inform the public about sexual assault crisis services and to encourage dialogue across Texas.

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I know fear can be an extremely useful emotion in terms of keeping us safer but when it isn’t also tempered with common sense it can be debilitating. I’m concerned that the current socio-political climate has fed into a general idea that a rigid and increasingly punitive criminal justice system can solve all our ills. Don’t get me wrong I can hardly be lumped together with the “hug a thug” crowd. I want to see justice for crime victims and certainly that must include a system that holds offenders accountable for their actions. What does bother me though is this “problem solved” mentality that seems to crop up every time we tighten the screws.

If a sex offender registry is a good idea (and it is) then a bigger and more detailed registry must be an even better idea, right? Well, not necessarily. Casting an even wider net might just result in a general weakening of both the actual system and the public’s perception of its usefulness. We know the current registry is full of inaccuracies and omissions but instead of thoughtfully and deliberately addressing these inadequacies some are choosing to expand it. I don’t question their motives in doing so – it’s fear… fears for our children and our communities. But as useful as fear is, it is seldom a strong foundation for policy.

Today I was online and came across a commercial site where for $19.95 a month you can purchase a service that alerts you to all the new sex offenders living in your neighborhood. Apparently for $240 a year you can buy peace of mind even though this information is available for free from the state. And yet truthfully we would actually be better served if we realized most sex offenders in our midst aren’t caught and aren’t on the registry. But sometimes reality is too terrifying. Perhaps a cumbersome registry, and the potential for life sentences in prison, and residency restrictions, and any number of other attempts to control sexual predators makes us feel safer and for those amongst us lucky enough to never be a target for this violence, feeling safer is enough. But for the sake of those whose luck has run out I hope reasoning overrides fear and we put just a fraction of our energies and resources into changing our culture as well.

I was not surprised when, on the second day of school, the teacher told me she was concerned about my child. I was surprised by the reason – his hand had been in the “hook ‘em horns” sign for the past two days. I was even more surprise by his answer: “She went to A&M. I’m warding off A&M cooties.” (My apologies to A&M). That simple sentence rocked me to my core.

Parenting is tricky business – my actions, and not my words, had come back to haunt me – one look around my house, UT paraphernalia, sports schedules and diplomas spoke louder than anything I had ever told my children about acceptance and tolerance. What was even more glaring was what was not displayed – evidence of other teams.

My fear was that this “warding off of the cooties” would lead to bigger and more untrue generalizations – that anyone who did not look, believe and cheer for the same things would be discounted, viewed as less than. We talk about learning experiences and teachable moments with our children. How can we teach them, if we have not had them or learned from them ourselves?

I did not take down the UT paraphernalia. I did initiate discussions about my values and morals, how I had questioned some of the things my parents taught me and how, though on some things I did not agree with Grandma and Grandpa, I still loved them very much. What happened was not a debate over “right” vs. “wrong.” What happened was conversations about curiosity about other people’s beliefs, which can co-exist with our own strongly held beliefs without diminishing them.

To this day, on the refrigerator door hangs this Shakespeare quote: “nothing is good or bad, only thinking makes it so.”