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There’s an exercise used to talk about the culture of fear that sexual violence leads to, and how it impacts men and women differently. First, all of the men in a room are asked to think about what they do to keep themselves safe, specifically from sexual violence, on a daily basis. The list is usually short. When you ask the same question of the women in the room, the list gets much longer, and includes things such “have your keys ready when you walk to the car and make sure you go out in pairs or groups.” The idea is that men don’t have to think about safety as much as women.  Why is that? It’s male privilege, idiot!

Having been a part of this activity several times, I figured I had internalized the message. You’d think I’d walk around with the understanding that men are taught that they have nothing to fear, and that women, through systematic oppression and individual acts of violence, are raised to be ever vigilant with their own safety in a violent world. I thought I was totally there. Then a few nights ago came a knock at my door. It was dark, my partner and I were sitting on the couch with the kids asleep. I took one look at her, knew she wouldn’t answer the door, and then proceeded to the door. My hand was on the door knob before I even thought about safety. Then I quickly looked out the window, saw one man standing outside in the dark holding no weapon and opened the door. He started in with his sales pitch and I told him we weren’t interested. It wasn’t until I closed the door, turned around and looked at my partner that I realized what I’d done. She was visibly shaken and concerned – scared. 

I thought to myself, “What’s the big deal?” I hadn’t even finished the question, when I knew the answer. Someone – a man – had just knocked on our door, at night, when we weren’t expecting him. I have worked around violence of all kinds long enough to know how many real stories, not to mention movies, start with this scenario. I wasn’t thinking about that – what did I have to fear? My partner was thinking about it, about all of the stories and messages she’d seen about men – from strangers knocking on doors to friends, partners, fathers, etc. – committing unspeakable acts of violence, including sexual assault. Add to that her own experiences of violence growing up and the stories she’d heard working at a local sexual assault and domestic violence agency, and it is no wonder she felt threatened. To expect anything different was irrational.  What’s worse is that I had taken part in threatening her safety by opening that door without a second thought. How could I have done this? Then, the answer came to me – it’s your male privilege, idiot!

While I recognize that there are other types of privilege that play into this scenario – class and racial privilege in particular – we must still find ways to understand the privileges provided to us by being male in this patriarchal society.

In a world where there are constant stories of violence against women, how can we as men continue to be indignant when women don’t trust us, or react to us with fear?

How can we as men challenge our own privilege in order to understand that fear and stop threatening the safety of all women, from strangers to the women we love most?

In a world of so much violence committed by men against women, isn’t it irresponsible to put all the burden of “preventing” sexual violence on women by asking them to take steps to prevent their own sexual assault?

My oldest daughter (she’s almost four) is going through this phase right now where everything is a competition. “I’m bigger than sissy,” “I bet I can beat you to my room” and “I’m the winner” are statements she uses over and over again. I’m having a hard time figuring out how to deal with this. I know some of it is harmless, and people are quick to point out positive aspects of competition, such as the drive to improve or how it prepares us for reality, where there are winners and losers. However, as a preventioneer and awakening human, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to make this world, and my community, a better place. One belief I keep coming back to is that we need to build a sense of community and a sense that our safety, enjoyment and health is tied up with the safety, enjoyment and health of everyone, yes everyone, around us. The type of competition my daughter is learning is a struggle against others and feeds into the process of valuing, and devaluing, people. “I’m faster than you” may later lead to “I’m smarter than you” and then “I’m more important than you,” until my daughter learns to believe that there are some things that she “deserves” more than others and that other people are entitled to certain things because they’re somehow better than her.

Perhaps we need we need to replace competition with an internal drive for self-improvement and a focus on teamwork. Let’s teach our children, and each other, to ask “How do I get better?” instead of “How can I be better than him or her or them?” A better question to ask might be “How do I help us be better?” The answer to this question can lead us to think of our neighbors and their needs as inseparable from our own needs. If all of us believe our health is tied up in the health of others, violence, including sexual violence, makes less and less sense because an act of violence against another becomes an act of violence against oneself.

How do we change the messages of competition in sports and children’s games to move beyond the idea of good sportsmanship to promoting a set of beliefs that foster connections with other people (not just your own teammates) and a sense of self and group improvement?

How can we as individuals begin teaching the subtle lessons of cooperation, empathy and collectivism that can eventually foster safe and healthy communities?

The Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood honored the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Barbie with their inaugural TOADY (Toys Oppressive And Destructive to Young Children) Award.

The announcement stated a lot of good reasons for this award, including:

“When you combine two classic symbols of gendered stereotypes – the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and Barbie – you get one terrible toy,” said CCFC Steering Committee member Joe Kelly, of www.dadsanddaughters.com. “Do we really want to teach our young daughters that they belong on the sidelines, not in the game, and the way to get noticed is show a lot of skin?”

I applaud CCFC for talking about a toy that supports the unfortunate gender stereotypes that plague the toy aisles. I do wonder, however, if giving the toy this award just gives it more exposure (and no coverage is bad coverage, right?) or if it really will spark some dialogue around the unfortunate state of commercialized childhood, particularly the perpetuation of gender stereotypes. What do you think?

The Innocence Project has had impressive results with using DNA evidence to exonerate men convicted of serious crimes, primarily rape. Community sentiment should reflect the egregious injustice faced by these men, many of whom spent years incarcerated for crimes they did not commit. The system is clearly flawed and every effort must be taken to right this wrong, as well as determine what went wrong to keep it from happening again. We owe it to these individuals to devote the resources needed to clear their names and rebuild their lives.

But there is often an overlooked victim in the equation… the original crime victim. I implore everyone to consider the needs of the innocent crime victim in whose name all these actions have taken place. This rape victim is no less violated. Make no mistake, rape victims do not want innocent men behind bars, they want the actual perpetrator serving time. Now, in addition to the lifetime scars a sexual assault can leave, she is dealing with the guilt that her testimony helped convict the wrong person, plus the terror that the actual rapist is still out there. And in many cases if that person is ever identified they will never pay for this crime because the statute of limitations has expired.

It is ridiculous for the media, the public, and God forbid, “the system” to suggest that a rape victim is the reason an innocent man is convicted. If a conviction was solely or even largely determined by identification we would not have such dismally low conviction rates. A rape victim does not have the power to convict and incarcerate anyone. If the system is broken we need to look elsewhere for the culprits. When someone is wrongly convicted of a crime what we have accomplished is compounding the pain, suffering, and injustice but we have not shifted the victimization from one individual to another.

Last week, I attended The National Conference on LGBT Equality: Creating Change Conference which was held in Denver, Colorado. Although there were various learning experiences worthy of sharing, I was especially struck by the afternoon I spent learning about and engaging in cultural work with Pam McMichael from the Highlander Center. This workshop was part of the Task Force Academy for Leadership and Action which included workshops on various topics related to community organizing and leadership in the movement.

Prior to this workshop, I knew of cultural work and had talked with folks who had used it in their organizing efforts, but I had never really reflected on the role of cultural work nor had I thought about how I might use it myself. At the beginning of the workshop, we were asked to reflect on various questions about culture in general and about our own culture in specific. It is always interesting to note how much trouble white folks have with these kinds of questions, as we often assume we have no “culture” to speak of. That is often the case with the dominant group in any situation – if you are the default, you don’t consider what makes you “unique.” With some reflection and follow-up questions, however, all of us can usually identify cultural aspects of some part of our identity. This, in it self, is a powerful exercise for anyone. How often do we really get an opportunity to reflect on our culture?

Cultural work as an organizing tool involves the use of cultural mediums (e.g., music, art, dance, etc.) to further social change work. In addition to these art forms being a powerful way to convey a message, one of the aspects of cultural work that inspires me the most is that it is part of engaging whole people in social change work. Too often our organizing work is focused more on the issue or problem at hand than on the people we are organizing. Many traditional organizing models are not holistic and don’t really include community building as a key component. Cultural work acknowledges that people are complex beings with varied experiences and skill sets and utilizes this to make change. Having been involved in organizing efforts from both extremes, it is by far more rewarding (and I would argue more successful) to organize people in a more holistic way.
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My brother is a stand-up comic here in Austin, so over the last couple of years I have attended a fair number of local live comedy shows. My brother and I have a longstanding disagreement (to put it mildly) about whether or not jokes about rape or domestic violence can ever be funny. It seems that most times I see him perform (usually in a show where six to eight comedians are featured), at least one of them makes a joke, or string of jokes, about violence against women. I’m sad to say that my brother is often the culprit. It frustrates me when this happens, obviously, and it makes it very difficult to enjoy the rest of the show, even when most of the acts are, you know, actually funny instead of degrading.

Well, imagine my surprise when I went out to Cap City Comedy this past weekend and impressionist Mike Macrae made a joke about rape that was actually funny. Now, before you call me a traitor, hear me out – the reason the joke was funny is because the punchline was an anti-violence message instead of the typical “haha beating/raping your wife/girlfriend/date/partner/child is so hilarious because sometimes they deserve it” punchline I have heard way too many times.

His joke was simple enough that I will attempt to paraphrase it, but please forgive my lack of comedic talent:

Whenever someone is arrested for child pornography, people call it “kiddie porn.” I really don’t think that’s something we need a cutesy nickname for. I mean, when someone is raped, we don’t call it the “no-no pokey” – it’s the same thing! We don’t call domestic abuse the “burnt fish stick slappy slap.”

Some may argue that though the joke doesn’t glorify rape or violence, it is still making light of it by using those terms. This really cracked me up though, and I think it makes a valid point using humor. What do you think? Is it funny or does it minimize violence?

Last night I had dinner at a small, well-established sushi restaurant. I had never been there before, and it was an evening that I am not likely to forget.

I entered the restaurant and learned that Monday is karaoke night. My friend and I were greeted by an enthusiastic emcee in a bright red blazer and sunglasses (who I later learned was the owner). He will henceforth be referred to as MC. At first, I thought we had stumbled upon quite a find. The restaurant was crowded and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Sushi plus karaoke can only equal fun, right?

Within five minutes, the emcee began spouting ethnic slurs. First, he made jokes at his own expense, but he soon began aiming the epithets at customers. Next, he moved on to commenting about the bodies of several women in the crowd and describing in graphic detail what he would like to do to them. Around this time, the karaoke screens began to play images of naked women alongside the lyrics of the songs. This was only the beginning. Read more

Another Super Bowl, another series of sexist commercials. There were several that were troubling, but this one stood out. In the commercial, the young man states that he feels like he can “do anything he wants.” Then, on his computer screen, Danica Patrick steps into her shower stating, “For some reason, I feel like taking another shower,” as if unconsciously driven by the young man’s desires. The man then makes the scene “steamier.” With the click of a button, another woman appears in the shower with Danica, confused and unclear of where she is.

This commercial mimics the scenes, stories and messages often delivered through pornography. Danica and the other woman are presented as objects for the sexual gratification of the men, and the clear indication is that their lack of consent is unimportant, maybe even desired. In addition, all women, not just women “out there” such as stars (or women in pornography), can be made into objects that are considered sexually available to men – thus the German woman who works in the Dean’s office is reduced to a sexual object. Even the overall flow of the commercial alludes and follows the formula of internet pornography. Webcam sites give the viewer a voyeuristic view inside women’s bathrooms and bedrooms, and there are websites where the user becomes director in his/her own porn, instructing the women which sexual acts to engage in.

What can I do as a man who is striving to reject his sexist training and challenge sexism, but who also loves to watch televised sports?

As pornography becomes more mainstream, doesn’t it become harder and harder to sell the argument that you should “just turn it off if you don’t want to see it?”

Don’t we have to consider the impact of messages being perpetuated through advertising on men, women, children and our relationships? I know I couldn’t help think about it as my daughters ran through the living room with their 10 friends while this ad was playing.