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I just ran across this article in the Intelligence Report, a project of the Southern Poverty Law Center, that tells the story of children rejecting the hate that their parents espouse. As we think about our primary prevention efforts across the state, we can be encouraged by the bravery and sense of justice these children choose to portray in spite of their parents, and we can learn an important lesson about the need for comprehensive efforts that work to change attitudes across entire communities, not just within individuals.

“Overall, there’s not a lot of evidence that, at least in the long term, kids get their prejudice from their parents,” said Charles Stangor, who runs the Laboratory for the Study of Social Stereotyping and Prejudice at the University of Maryland. “I would call it more of a community effect than a parental effect. The community fosters tolerance or prejudice.”

We must remember that working with parents is only a part of the answer, but alone will not make the kind of lasting change we all hope for to end sexual violence. It really does take a village to raise a child, and it takes a village based on equity and justice, where violence of any kind is not a solution, but rather is condemned, to raise a child who can reject hate and prejudice taught at home to become leaders for positive social change.

What can we do, you and I, to build communities that raise peaceful, kind and courageous children?

I often mention gender role socialization (and strict gender roles) as a risk factor in conversations I have with people about the primary prevention of sexual violence. Many people nod their heads, but I suspect that they don’t really know exactly what I mean by that phrase – but leave it to children to provide an example…

My oldest daughter (she’s 4), told me a couple of days ago that she doesn’t like pink anymore and that she only likes “boy colors” – which in my daughter’s world include red, blue and green, but definitely not purple or pink. When asked why she didn’t like those colors, or more importantly, why she thought of those colors as “boy” and “girl” colors, she told me that her cousin (who is a 6-year-old female) told her, and that her cousin only likes “boy colors.”

AHHH! So there it is. Our society clings to the binary, dividing everything into two categories (male – female, white – nonwhite) and then forcing everyone into one or the other, or to pick one or the other. My daughter is succumbing to peer pressure at 4 to drop her favorite color;, pink, which is likely at least partially her favorite color because of the pressure to like “girl colors.” Peer pressure is coming from her older cousin who has accepted her socialization and divided colors into two gender-based color categories – “boy colors” and “girl colors.” To complicate things even more, my niece has resisted the messages she’s received and chosen “boy colors” as her favorite, despite being a girl (resist sister, resist). If you’re head is spinning, imagine mine as I try to navigate the parenting maze to find a way to get my 4-year-old to stand up for her own beliefs and be true to herself, while examining the messages she receives and how she internalizes them. (Is pink really your favorite or is it just because the Disney princesses love pink?)

Do you have a story to share about witnessing gender role socialization firsthand, or do you have any advice for a struggling (haven’t given up yet) parent trying to pass on the skills to navigate such a complex world?

Oh, and by the way, my daughter is now back to loving pink. Yay???

*WARNING: This post contains graphic references to sexual violence.

I’ve always received a massive amount of junk email at work, regardless of what spam filter we are using.  I also notice that at least 75% of the ads are sexual in nature and just assumed this is a result of us having the word “sexual” in the name of our agency. I literally get thousands of sex aid advertisements a month. What really concerns me much more than the volume of these ads I’m receiving is the progression from benign and juvenile to obscene and violent.

This latest wave of ads began hitting my mailbox in early October. The subject line usually said something to the effect of  “leave her begging for more”  or “don’t let your love-making embarrass you any longer.” There was a day or so when they vied for the attention of the potential customer with a little humor and borderline copyright infringement, i.e. “quicker pecker picker upper.”  Then I noticed a serious shift in advertising strategies which often came in 3-4 day waves and frankly none of these strategies take the high road. They move beyond preying on men’s insecurities to degrading and objectifying women, using violent imagery, getting increasingly vulgar and promoting sex with underaged girls. Read more

Child sexual assault is a concern shared across political, racial and socioeconomic boundaries. I attended the Children’s Advocacy Center of Texas annual conference in Austin last week and was overwhelmed (in a positive way) by the information.

I walked away with a deep appreciation for the delicate process of a forensic interview and child forensic interviewers. Child sexual assault issues have received much legislative attention the past two sessions. The Texas tough penalties are in effect, however the muddled dynamics of child sexual assault remain the same.  Societal (potential jury members’) expectations rely on definitive physical and DNA evidence, however most confirmed cases of child sexual assault presented at emergency rooms across the country are found inconclusive. This highly-charged atmosphere places a huge burden on all agencies involved in these cases, specifically child forensic interviewers and prosecutors.

I attended a session by Chris Newlin, executive director of the National Children’s Advocacy Center, in which a prosecutor in the audience raised two concerns: first, the lack of specific information (date, time, place, type of assaults, etc.) obtained from the interview process and, second, the lack of knowledge of child sexual assault statutes amongst interviewers. Mr. Newlin countered with a methodical explanation of child sexual assault disclosure as a process rather than an event.

The concerns, although valid, are very cut and dry, whereas the dynamics surrounding child sexual assault are not. Therein lies the impediment to justice for child victims and society as a whole.

The burden on child victims and forensic interviewers are great and with the stiff penalties of Jessica’s Law the stakes are high for prosecutors. The responsibility of keeping children safe lies unduly on child victims, agencies obtaining evidence and prosecutors putting away the bad guys.  The community must recognize its role in creating an environment conducive for the safety of all its members.  Until then… hats off to those in the trenches.

I am in the process of switching duplex units (upgrading). I called the utility company to have both units in my name for a week to progressively move my items. I was informed that I needed to physically present myself, a copy of the lease and a valid photo I.D. in order to get the services.  This is a new policy that went into effect August  2009. I think it is ludicrous!

Is the purpose of the new policy to reduce identity theft as I was told or is it as I suspect – a back door attempt to further marginalize certain communities? Whatever the intention of the policy change, the impact will mostly affect disadvantaged communities. Not to mention the implications of this new policy on victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. I would love to hear your thoughts. Sound off!

“What do you want for Christmas?” I witnessed a grandmother ask her grandchild the other day. The child smiled and immediately rattled off at least 10 items. “You are so greedy!” Grandma replied, as she looked at me and shrugged. I saw the child’s face fall.

Uncomfortable silence filled the space and  I felt the tug of “I am not going to collude with you, either by silence or words,” versus “I do not want to offend anyone.”  My overriding thought was for the child – what did they just learn about their wants, expressing those wants,  their grandmother and their self identity? More importantly, is this one more bit of evidence the child will use to lower their self- expectations and self-esteem?

Self-talk. Some people call it “the Greek chorus,” “the shitty committee,” “my mother’s voice,” or some other term that has a negative connotation for them. Are interactions like the Christmas list incident where this type of negative self-talk starts?

“Internalized oppression is not the cause of our mistreatment, it is the result of our mistreatment.” – Micheline Mason

I believe mistreatment starts with the words we hear.  What we say matters. A lot.

I looked at the grandmother and grandchild and smiled at them both. “I think it is good to know what you want, and to say so when you are asked.”

A post at elephantjournal yesterday has got me thinking. The post is short and to the point, ultimately summed up in the title “Do PETA’s Ends justify their Means?” Now, I’ve been grumbling  about PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) for a long time because of what I believe to be a never-ending series of misogynistic ads. However, looking beyond the misogyny itself for a minute (it’s difficult but go with me), this begs the broader question of which tactics we are willing to use to bring about the change we want to see.

I do see all oppression as linked and am therefore opposed to throwing one group under the bus for the sake of gains in one area (ahem, ENDA). Here’s the thing… we can’t create the world we want to see by consistently engaging in tactics that are inconsistent with our vision for the world, no matter how much attention those tactics may bring to our cause. Maybe objectification of women really isn’t inconsistent with the world PETA is trying to create. (You kind of have to wonder at this point, right?) I’d like to think that most of us would hold ourselves, and the causes we champion, to a higher standard than that.

Sure, maybe we don’t get as much attention as PETA. Maybe we don’t garner as much publicity and therefore get as many donations. Maybe we make smaller, more incremental changes – one person or small group at a time. To me, that is preferable to using outlandish and ultimately harmful tactics to get attention and make a point. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for outlandish as long as it’s outlandish in a way that is consistent with my ultimate vision for the world. And, it seems to me that if the attention paid PETA’s tactics were really reflective of their effectiveness then everyone would be a vegetarian by now.

The  Office of the Attorney General of Texas recently released this law enforcement update that we felt was important to share.

Recovering from a sexual assault is an intensely personal ordeal that is different for each survivor. Initially, some victims will justifiably react with shock, disbelief and fear. Everyday activities may be disrupted, including eating and sleeping. Victims may feel the need to change their address, job or lifestyle in order to regain their sense of security. With so much difficulty to overcome, victims should not also face financial hardship, which is why the Texas Legislature created the Texas Compensation for Victims of Crime (CVC) Fund. Recently, the Office of the Attorney General, which administers this vitally important fund, reached a significant milestone: $1 billion in payments to crime victims.

Last year alone, the CVC Fund provided reimbursement for more than 8,500 sexual assault exams and sexual assault examination kits. A sexual assault examination is not medical treatment, but rather a part of the criminal investigation. The exam is performed by medical personnel, who carefully collect and preserve crucial evidence that law enforcement uses to identify sexual assault perpetrators. Immediate medical needs and referrals for follow-up care also will be addressed at the time of a victim’s hospital visit.

Sexual assault victims are not charged for a forensic sexual assault exam. The kits are paid for by local law enforcement agencies, which seek reimbursement from the CVC Fund. For years the Fund has covered, and will continue to cover, the costs of sexual assault forensic examinations and kits.

Sexual assault victims decide for themselves whether to report the crime to law enforcement. Victims are more comfortable seeking medical help than they are reporting a crime. Those victims are helped by a new law that became effective June 19. Under House Bill 2626, the Department of Public Safety (DPS) pays for sexual assault examinations when victims have not reported the assault to law enforcement at the time of treatment. DPS then seeks reimbursement from the CVC Fund. Read more

Driving to work the other day, I caught a segment on NPR titled “American Nuns Question Vatican Scrutiny.”

Apparently, the Vatican is currently examining a group of American nuns and their adherence to the principles of the Catholic Church. Many Catholic nuns have integrated into communities in which they serve thus abandoning traditional garb and service procedures. I was touched by this group of women’s indignant spirit in standing up to the “man” (literally and figuratively). The price of defiance is high, however their conviction is not for sale.

… the leaders (American nuns) have been pretty blunt in their defiance. In the assemblies in recent years, they have called for “loyal dissent” and an end to “patriarchy.” They say they have shifted from being “obedient daughters” to “mature women who have something to say about the church, its teaching and practice.”

… Sister Nancy Schreck says as followers of Jesus, the sisters must voice their views when they feel the Vatican is wrong — on things like caring for gay men and lesbians, and the equality of women. Such discussion is the American way, she says, adding that these disagreements reflect the larger tension between Rome and the U.S. church. And no matter what the outcome of these inquiries, she says the U.S. sisters will not back down on their core beliefs.

As I listened to the remainder of the segment, the parallels to victim advocacy crossed my mind. Central to the work of both advocates and nuns are sacrifice, commitment and dedication to those in need. Both from time to time are wary of the powerful institutions affecting their work and some are not afraid to push the envelope despite criticism from peers.  The bravery of the nonconformist nuns to defend their work struck a chord with me. As I reflect on victim advocacy and the tireless fight for justice, it is encouraging to know sisters of all types are in this fight. Although the journey seems lonely, we are not alone.

Okay, so maybe this is old news to some, but I just saw a commercial for a One A Day vitamin that made me jump off my couch and do that funny yelling at the TV thing as if anyone on it could hear me! The commercial markets two separate vitamins to young men and young women. The formula for young men helps grow strong muscles and the formula for women helps keep skin healthy.

I mean, what marketing genius. I’m so glad that finally someone figured out a way to simplify things and then sell us what we all really need – a product for the essence of who we are as men and women. They had the courage to market a product for young women’s appearance and young men’s physical strength. It just makes sense on so many levels: a)why encourage strong muscles in women when they don’t need strong muscles, they just need a man with strong muscles; b) why promote overall health when outward appearance is paramount for women; and c) why fill a young woman’s head with ideas that she would need to be strong or smart, or anything other than attractive. And as for you men, we all know that “real” men are strong and… and… well, that’s pretty much the entire definition of masculinity. Why worry about anything else, anything at all?

I recognize that this is just another in a long line of troubling over-generalizations and stereotypes based on gender that we see portrayed in the media, but this one floored me and broke my heart. Just hours before watching this commercial, my four-year-old daughter struck the most amazing pose to show off her muscles to me. Am I supposed to go tell her that she’s got it all wrong, that she should just strive to look good and that strength is for boys?

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